At 37 years old, I am going through the FA “change of life.” After a year in Program, I now realize that my Higher Power can do amazing things in just a “mini-pause” before I react. My previous reactions to life brought my weight up to 340 pounds. As appalling as that was, my behavior was even more notorious. I was full of anger at my own weakness and inabilities, and my anger spewed out onto family, friends, and co-workers. The people I cared for the most bore the brunt of my depression and insanity. My reaction to everything was instantaneous and uncontrollable. Instant thoughts of food led to instant eating. Instant realization of unfilled expectations led to instant criticism. Neither the food nor my outbursts were gratifying. I felt completely powerless over my reactions. My actions were instant, but the self-loathing over those reactions lingered and multiplied. Being willing... Continue Reading
I never in a million years thought that I would be walking through so many changes in my life. I never thought that I would be relieved of the 130 pounds that were keeping me from living life. Above all, I never thought that I’d be writing about it more than three-and-a-half years later, still standing, and still thin. Before I “came to” in FA, I was a walking zombie. I was living all of the clichés that one hears prior to joining Program. I was living to eat. I would pray that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning, because I just could not face another day. My coping mechanisms were reduced to eating away my pain with anything that I could get my hands on to numb my negative emotions. When I was happy, I ate anyway, because I wanted to prolong the feeling, only to later crash... Continue Reading
My daughter’s thirtieth birthday was earlier this month, and she wanted a special family birthday. She asked me to invite the whole family for the entire day to celebrate, play board games, watch home movies, hang out, and eat family meals together. Although I usually serve guests the same food as I eat, this time I did end up cooking two other special dishes for my family. They finished one of the dishes, but there were leftovers of a special Jewish dish that was a tradition in my family when I was growing up. When everyone left that evening, I kept asking them to take the leftovers, but they did not. There I was with the leftover dish. I stood in my kitchen with thoughts racing in my head about maybe freezing it, or using it as a base for something that I could cook for my family. I even... Continue Reading
I had been morbidly obese most of my life, and six years ago I weighed 410 pounds. My four children, whom I raised as a single father, had just faced adulthood (finally) and had left the nest. I found myself feeling alone, free of all responsible obligations, and…done. I had already made the conscious decision to commit suicide (again, I was done). I was well beyond vanity and I didn’t care about a future, much less how I looked in it. But someone told me about FA, and I thought I’d check it out before checking out. I was filled with more than a little skepticism when I saw all the people in the room. Very few looked even remotely overweight, and of the 50 to 60 people in attendance, there were only about three other guys. As with many other Twelve-Step meetings I had tried, I was suspicious of... Continue Reading
When I weighed 275 pounds I would lie in bed and say to myself that I would do anything to be thin. Today I realize that my “anything” is working my FA program. Yes, there are moments when I think how nice it would be to stay in bed and not be up before dawn. There are cold nights when all I want to do is curl up on the sofa and watch television, not go out to an FA meeting. When I have those thoughts, however, I think them through. Because I know that even though I have lost 125 pounds and proudly wear a size six, I am still a food addict and only one bite away from being off to the races and putting those 125 pounds back on. Even though I didn’t start to visibly wear my disease until I was in my late 30s, I’ve... Continue Reading
