Posts about Struggling

Don’t Quit Before The Miracle Happens

I had recently graduated from college and was avoiding dealing with horrific sexual abuse that had happened to me towards the end of my senior year.  The way I was eating was insane because I was trying to escape my feelings and was in severe trauma and isolation.  I spent all my free time in the kitchen making strange concoctions in a blender with frozen foods that shouldn’t go together. I was eating food out of a large colander outside on the balcony while squatting on the ground in my underwear. I felt like I was nothing but an animal because of how I’d been treated, so I ate like one too. Thankfully, God guided me towards FA in a coffee shop right by my house.  While I was waiting for my sugary caffeinated drink and bingeing on baked goods I noticed a pamphlet that said, “Are you having trouble... Continue Reading



Rebellious Inner Child

My road to 90 days of continuous abstinence took 164 days.  I chose to create extra bumps in my path by resisting every tool and discipline. My family of origin labeled me “The Rebel” early on, and my attitude did not change when I labeled myself a “Food Addict” after joining FA. My wise and patient sponsor encouraged me, rather than corralling me with “shoulds” and “musts.” Even an entrenched rebel like me has trouble railing against unconditional love. Slowly, begrudgingly, I began making outreach calls. Speaking to three people by phone remained my goal for the day for at least 40 days of my first four months in FA. Eventually that onerous chore morphed into an enjoyable activity. I attacked my quiet time next. In my twenties I tried meditation, but no matter how hard I worked at the practice, I never achieved the quiet mindset and solace that... Continue Reading



Just HP and Me

I can still hear the gulls’ screeching cries and smell the salty surf air of that mid-March afternoon on the Oregon coast. I can also see in my mind the sugar foods and snacks that were strewn throughout the van, calling to me. I remember the hunger that gnawed at my insides. I had traveled with my eight children to visit my parents on the coast during spring break, and this moment at the beach combined into a set of circumstances which turned out to be a test of my abstinence! We had attempted a long hike that morning which proved to be more difficult than I had anticipated, resulting not only in expending more time and energy than I really had, but also throwing off the timing of my meals. After the hike, we successfully got everyone back to the van, and while we drove to a nearby beach,... Continue Reading



Making The Call

Living on the frontier is challenging enough, so when my sponsor strongly suggested that I work the tool of the telephone three times a day, I thought she had lost her mind. I live on the frontier, how can I be expected to do this? When she suggested I set aside three times each day to dial for 15 minutes, and either reach a fellow or leave messages, I started to question whether this was the recovery I wanted. It really seemed irrational; simply too much to ask. Then she shared a list of names and phone numbers consisting of many long-term members who had helped in her recovery, and said I would benefit from talking to them. I just knew my days in FA were numbered! For each of her telephone call suggestions, I had at least two excuses why I couldn’t complete this task. We were both persistent.... Continue Reading



My Decision to Leave

I came into FA at the age of 26, weighing 289 pounds (131 kg). I found out about the program one day when I picked up a pamphlet to fan myself while sitting in my chiropractor’s waiting room. Less than a week later, I was at my first meeting and got a sponsor, and within 14 months, I lost 140 pounds. I wish I could say, “…and the rest is history,” but that’s not how my journey played out.  FA had always been very good to me, helping me to shed the weight, showering me with love and support from some amazing fellows, and giving me a sense of purpose in reaching those still suffering with food addiction. I had been in FA for nine and a half years when I decided to step out of the rooms. For some reason, I truly thought maybe I didn’t need it anymore.... Continue Reading