Posts about Struggling

Resentment Equals Leaving FA

My story is a little different than most members in FA (spoken like a true food addict-only me right?).  I left program after 6 ½ years.  That’s right; just walked out the FA doors and never looked back.  This grand idea of mine was based solely on resentments. During those 6 ½ years of program, I gave away 81 lbs., and had one break; held most of the meeting positions between two meetings; had 4 sponsees, went to night school working on a bachelors degree, and worked 10 to 12 hours a day.   I had back-to-back abstinence for 5 years then I ate two cookies in December; never told my sponsor until February and the end result was she dropped me as her sponsee.  I was crushed, felt abandoned and hurt.  I lost a great deal due to being dishonest. I went through numerous sponsors when I finally found one... Continue Reading

 


 

Promises Coming True

Poor me! A disagreement with my husband and with a daughter who didn’t want to talk decimated my serenity that morning. Negative babbling clattered around in my brain. I’m incapable of having a good relationship. I’ll never learn how to talk to people. I’m just too stupid. THEN, my cell phone signaled arrival of a text. I frowned at the sender—my sister. My stomach clenched. After not hearing from her in over three years, what could she want now? I gingerly read her message. She wanted to know what became of our mother’s pearl necklace and opal ring.  Oh, and how about the other jewelry you promised to share after Mother died? Mother had been gone nearly sixteen years. Why the sudden interest in her jewelry? Was my sister accusing me of selling valuable jewelry? I fired off an indignant text. There wasn’t any jewelry. That angry reaction triggered a... Continue Reading

 


 

Given Choices

When I first joined FA I knew I was home. I went to four meetings per week, not because I had to but because I didn’t know what to do with all my free time now that I was not eating addictively all day. When I put down the flour, sugar, and other substances, the young, 21-year-old egotistical part of me could not wait to get my 90 days and qualify in front of the room and share my story, because I was so thrilled to be in FA and share what I had found. I had 65 days of solid abstinence and was on my way! However, one night while baby-siting, the mother of the children offered me a snack. I politely declined, but she kept offering it to me over and over. I was so intimidated by her that I just took the treat and popped it in... Continue Reading

 


 

Sweet Sorrow

Outside the sunny window of my mother-in-law’s house, I could glimpse the river shining in the sun. Inside, lace curtains graced the windows; a linen cloth covered the table; flowers and candles added to the ambiance of the afternoon and then, the dessert. Gleaming with shiny sugar, embellished with beautiful decorations, it teased me with its promise. The fragrance of fresh coffee filled the air as we prepared to celebrate a family event. I have been in a life-and-death struggle with my weight since I was eight. I grew up in the era of Twiggy and the styles which characterized the “Mod” culture. After all, as everyone knows, “You can never be too thin or too rich,” can you? I ate my miserable way up to nearly 325 pounds (147.4 kilograms), hating myself, judging myself, listening to the voices telling me “You’re fat, therefore you’re ugly; you’re stupid, because you... Continue Reading

 


 

Still Precious

Starting over is always painful. I have been in this wonderful fellowship for 8 years, and in that span, I have had to start over four times. This time was no different. It was not FA that stopped working for me; it was I who stopped working the program. The food was the last to go. It started when I let the gifts of the program take me away from the program. There were other things that I just didn’t want to miss, so I would connect with two people on the phone instead of three, and my committed meetings suddenly weren’t as “committed.” My quiet time was not as peaceful with my “to do” list running through my mind, and 30 minutes became 27. I read my Big Book much too late and fell asleep on it. Now, this didn’t not happen all at once, nor every day. It... Continue Reading