Fairly early on in recovery, I heard people share at meetings that we addicts have a disease of fear, doubt, and insecurity. It took me a while to really understand what that meant and how it applied to me. I knew I was obese (280 pounds), but I didn’t know what that had to do with fear, doubt, and insecurity. When I got a food plan from a sponsor and stopped eating addictively, and as I sat in meetings and listened, I started to remember how big a role fear played in my life from very early on. I didn’t have a whole lot to be afraid of as a child. I lived in a very safe suburban town, my parents did not mistreat me, and I had never experienced any trauma. Nevertheless, I was terrified of the dark, of ghosts, of getting stung by a bee while playing outside,... Continue Reading
I was always the big girl with a pretty face. When I was eight years old, I knew I was a freak. One day the whole student body had to go out to the schoolyard to be weighed. As the children were weighed, the teacher called out their numbers. When my turn came, I weighed 124 pounds; the other kids in my class weighed about 70 pounds. I was so hurt by the remarks I heard. I knew that if only I could be smaller, everyone (including me) would be happy. From that day on, I was on and off some diet. No matter what I did, it never lasted. I was next to the youngest of four kids. I had two older brothers and one younger brother. I tried to be just one of the boys. My mom always tried to get me to be a little lady. My... Continue Reading
“I received orders for a year in Bahrain,” he said to me. My husband serves in the U.S. Navy and was up for new orders. My heart stopped. To think we’d be apart for a whole year was so upsetting to me. We had just gotten married. “But that’s so far away,” I responded. Trying to make me feel more comfortable with the situation, he said, “You could probably come visit me during your summer vacation.” Instead of responding out of anxiety, I took a breath and became quiet. I was trying to figure out if the visit was even possible. I had just gotten my first passport, but I hadn’t ever used it. Aside from visiting Canada when I was three years old, and a day and a half of intoxication in Canada when I was 18 (before passports were required), I had never even left the country. Eight... Continue Reading
I always resented being fat. I never fully accepted responsibility for what I put in my mouth and how it showed up on my body. All my life I had been told that I was “statuesque,” “big-boned,” and had “child-bearing hips.” My mother was overweight, and so was her mother, and I was told that heavy women run in our family. It really didn’t seem to me as though I could do anything about my weight. So I ate to numb the pain of the rough hand life had dealt me. At age 55, standing 5’7” tall and weighing around 270 pounds, I really resented the doctor telling me I was morbidly obese, that the knee replacement surgery I had hoped for to cure my arthritis could not be done unless I lost some weight, that I was pre-diabetic, and probably had sleep apnea. I also suffered from a litany... Continue Reading
My sponsor suggested that I stop watering my lawn. What? What does my lawn have to do with my abstinence? At the time, I was very tired, relentlessly looking for work, anxious about my dwindling bank account, and over $13000 in credit card debt. I was resentful about not being able to pay for yard help or house help and about living in less than clean and beautiful surroundings. I felt guilty if chores took me away from job hunting and guilty if chores got ignored. With meetings phone calls, shopping, chopping, reading, and praying, I could just never do enough! However, I took my sponsor’s suggestion and stopped watering my lawn, which turned out to be a wise suggestion. It saved me about $50 a month. When I stopped watering lawn, it stopped needing to be mowed, and I didn’t need to replace the lawnmower I had just broken... Continue Reading
