The clock read 3 a.m. I couldn’t believe it. How was I awake? And why was I arguing with my boyfriend again? Hadn’t we said, just a month ago, that we would get married? But we were having yet another argument about my FA program. This man did not support my recovery! He questioned whether I would always have to go to meetings, and he gave me a hard time about having to stop to eat at meal times. “I just want to hop on a motorcycle and not have to stop for lunch,” he blurted out one day. “Wow,” is all I could say. I was two years into my recovery in FA, but I didn’t feel the calm or peace I had started to enjoy. I was angry, upset, and full of fear. The clock rolled to 3:30 a.m. and I felt famished. I realized I needed G-d’s... Continue Reading
When I came into recovery 14 years ago, one of the first things my sponsor said to me was, “Okay, let’s put first things first; go ahead and give me your food.” A light went on for me at that moment. “First things first” was one of those expressions I’d heard or seen on bumper stickers, but never understood. Suddenly it meant something to me. That was the beginning of my understanding of the word “priority.” My sponsor gave me my new priority list, in order: 1) recovery, 2) family, and 3) job. That meant that I had to take care of my recovery first and above all else. Because of the way that first conversation had begun, I had a sense of what that might mean and how to accomplish it. If something is at the top of the priority list, it means it has to be done first.... Continue Reading
At 37 years old, I am going through the FA “change of life.” After a year in Program, I now realize that my Higher Power can do amazing things in just a “mini-pause” before I react. My previous reactions to life brought my weight up to 340 pounds. As appalling as that was, my behavior was even more notorious. I was full of anger at my own weakness and inabilities, and my anger spewed out onto family, friends, and co-workers. The people I cared for the most bore the brunt of my depression and insanity. My reaction to everything was instantaneous and uncontrollable. Instant thoughts of food led to instant eating. Instant realization of unfilled expectations led to instant criticism. Neither the food nor my outbursts were gratifying. I felt completely powerless over my reactions. My actions were instant, but the self-loathing over those reactions lingered and multiplied. Being willing... Continue Reading
I am a 24-year-old food addict in recovery from overeating, under eating (more “attempting to” than actually sticking to it), and intense bulimic behavior. It started when I was as young as five years old, when I thought I was fat. As I grew up, I couldn’t even make a phone call to a stranger. I would freak out and create a dramatized story about someone finding out that I was worthless and dumb. I had great fear of what other people thought of me and had very little self-esteem. I spent my days eating, drinking, and throwing up. I couldn’t talk to adults because I thought they were superior to me. In my part-time jobs while attending school, if a customer asked if I could help find a product, my mind would go straight to self criticism, and I would think to myself, You’re stupid, you don’t know how... Continue Reading
Here are my thoughts about how I make conscious contact with G-d during the day. I am only a new believer in a higher power, which I do not call G-d, but I feel awkward during my day talking to “it,” or whatever it may be. My belief in a higher power has emerged only since I began FA two-and-a-half years ago. Through participation in an AWOL, I have just begun to think that there may even be a higher power. Before this, for over 50 years, I was a committed, contented, devout atheist. Now as I have tried on this budding belief in a higher power, I am awkward in talking or otherwise communicating with it. (I hope I am not offending anyone by my referring to it as “it,” but not knowing how to define this higher power, it is the best I can do.) During my day... Continue Reading
