It was time to do the annual clothes change over from winter to summer. My husband and I were also getting ready to leave for Florida to visit my mother-in-law for the long holiday weekend. I had experienced a long, busy week, so I was packing for the trip and switching my clothes at the same time. I knew I needed summer items for Florida. Due to the crunch, I did not have time to try on any of my summer clothes that had been packed in away in storage the previous fall. In the past, this would have sent me into a panic. I came into FA weighing 287 pounds. My highest weight read 297 (right before I stopped weighing). Switching clothes for the summer season in the past was a dreaded, anxiety-ridden affair. Each year I knew it was time to “face the music” and admit how much... Continue Reading
I had a beautiful baby and an amazing husband, and all I wanted was to be alone and eat. I couldn’t stop the crazy cycle of bingeing, purging, and laxative and exercise abuse. At my worst, I took up to 60 laxative pills per week and vomited so violently that I burst the blood vessels in the skin around my eyes. I also manipulated my doctor into giving me prescriptions for antidepressants and other drugs that had weight loss as a side effect. Every time I finished a binge, I swore that the next day I would just eat normally. I vowed it was the last time. I would lay in bed at night, hating myself for not being able to control myself when it came to food. I lived a lie. On the outside I had a thin body. In public I ate normal portions, but behind closed doors... Continue Reading
My son was born almost three years after I came into Program. I had been bulimic for about 12 years prior to my coming into FA. Before I got pregnant, I had some concerns about the impending weight gain and body changes, but I actually loved being pregnant and felt really healthy. The extra weight came off easily after my son was born, and I learned how to adapt my new schedule and responsibilities to fit with the tools and disciplines that supported my recovery. But I had a break in my abstinence when my son was two. I was still using my tools, but not with the same vigor as I had before. I was having a hard time being a parent. I had unrealistic expectations for myself and for my son as well. I slipped into negativity quite frequently and started isolating, even though I was going to... Continue Reading
As a food addict, taking the next right action is not a natural response for me. In fact, taking action of any sort can be a challenge, and sometimes making a transition from one thing to the next can seem like it requires tremendous effort. Tonight I came home from work, and after eating my committed, weighed, and measured dinner, I have been sitting in my favorite comfy chair to watch a TV show that I like. The show has ended. I know the next right action is to get out of the comfy chair and take care of some necessary personal business: balancing my checkbook and writing out my monthly budget. I know this is the next right action, but frankly…“I don’t wanna!” The same thing used to happen to me when I ate addictively. I would start eating a particular food, and I wouldn’t want to stop. This... Continue Reading
Until recently, family visits have been such a struggle for me. I chose to hang onto the idea that being a food addict was a fundamental flaw that made me “less than” everyone else around me. This would cause obsession around food and a constant generalized anxiety about whether or not I was saying or doing the wrong thing. I obsessed over questions like, “Should I eat what I committed or sit down with the family and eat what was prepared last minute? Should I be using my scale around the company or weighing and measuring with my eyes?” I felt self-conscious about asking for plain food or even about taking up too much room in my sister’s refrigerator for the food I needed. After talking with my sponsor about my food questions, doubts, and insecurities, it became clear that there were ways to simplify my responses in the moments... Continue Reading
