A Story of Recovery:

Not Feeding Fear

The clock read 3 a.m. I couldn’t believe it. How was I awake? And why was I arguing with my boyfriend again? Hadn’t we said, just a month ago, that we would get married? But we were having yet another argument about my FA program. This man did not support my recovery! He questioned whether I would always have to go to meetings, and he gave me a hard time about having to stop to eat at meal times. “I just want to hop on a motorcycle and not have to stop for lunch,” he blurted out one day. “Wow,” is all I could say.

I was two years into my recovery in FA, but I didn’t feel the calm or peace I had started to enjoy. I was angry, upset, and full of fear. The clock rolled to 3:30 a.m. and I felt famished. I realized I needed G-d’s help. I went to the bathroom and hit my knees, crying, knowing in my heart that this relationship was over. I asked G-d to remove the hunger and restore me to sanity. I needed to calm down and trust G-d. I wanted to eat very badly in that moment. I stayed in his little bathroom for a while until the need to eat passed and the tears subsided. I could see that this would be a very unhappy marriage if we were to stay together. I prayed for guidance and remembered my sponsor saying, “If you eat, you will have two problems—the thing that is bothering you and the fact that you are eating again and back in your disease.”

I told my boyfriend that we needed to finish the conversation another time, and thankfully, I was able to go to sleep, and I was still abstinent. I had too much to lose to break my abstinence—thin body, peace of mind, sanity, integrity, restored relationships, and a connection with my higher power.

Over the next two weeks, I made numerous calls to my FA fellows, who assured me that there are men out there who would accept me and respect my recovery program. They were very clear that this man was not loving and kind towards me; he was physically aggressive and did not respect my boundaries. The fear I felt about breaking up with him felt like it was swallowing me whole, but I clung to the FA motto, “Don’t eat no matter what, no matter what don’t eat.” I didn’t eat during that time, and I was given the assurance that if I didn’t eat and asked G-d for help, all would be well.

I credit my higher power and my fellowship for getting me through the rocky time after our breakup. I saw that I was so attached to getting married that I was overlooking some very key ingredients that I needed in a partner: kindness, patience, mental stability, unconditional love, and respect.

It’s a total blessing that almost exactly six years from the day that I broke up with that boyfriend, I found myself sticking out a shaky hand to the most kind, supportive, loving man. He knelt before me as he placed a sparkly ring on my finger!

I am grateful to know that food is not an option, even with the highs (and sometimes sheer terror) that comes along with planning a wedding and a life with another person. I have had some food thoughts during this engagement, but I am grateful to know that food is not an option and it will not make the fear go away. I have been reminded, over and over, that fear is just a part of this disease and the antidote is gratitude, prayer, and service.

Through the gown hunting, invitation designing, catering tastings (he tastes, I take notes!), the food is in its place, and I am happy and abstinent. As long as I weigh my food, ask G-d for help, do service, work the Twelve Steps and my tools, and practice turning fear over to G-d, I am on the right path. And a svelte, grateful, joyful bride I will be!