“Here, eat this, you’ll feel better.” From my earliest years, these comforting words formed a bond of love between my mother, food, and me. However, it wasn’t long before it turned into an unhealthy relationship that took over my life. My growing pathological attachment to quantities of food, used to comfort or to calm me in the moment, became the basis of what I now know as my addiction. Food became my “drug of choice.” Obese, with stretch marks by age five and secretly eating in excess, my entire life was characterized by shame and humiliation around my behavior and my body image. I would manipulate others in order to gain access to more food. I would lie about, or steal, quantities of food, primarily flour and sugar products, which elevated my body weight to 300 pounds by age fourteen. I was the heaviest person in our village and, later... Continue Reading
Last Sunday night my ex-wife called. Twenty years of resentment welled up inside while glancing at my caller ID. Last Sunday night it was my Higher Power’s will that I answer the call. My ex-wife began to express frustration about how our 16-year-old was isolating in her room and not getting along with her mom’s new live-in boyfriend. At first my ex was sharing personal frustration, but then she began to question my parenting skills and schedule with a barrage of out-of-bounds questions. My addict screamed Fight! Defend! Attack! And prior to FA, boy did I! Screaming, profane language and menacing threats would soon be hurled on both ends of the phone until one of us became so emotionally exhausted that we would finally hang up. Our children would then live in a toxic sea of anger and resentment for days as I raged on and violently ate every flour... Continue Reading
I weighed 270 pounds; my weight was rising quickly. I wouldn’t have called myself depressed, but I certainly wasn’t happy. I resented my family and felt that I had given up my dreams of being a writer and an intellectual in order to support my family, financially and otherwise. At any given moment, it seemed the only things that could make my life bearable were eating, watching movies, playing games on the Internet, or reading. I hated exercise, but that was the only thing slowing my weight-gain. I knew I couldn’t keep up the daily 5 a.m. boot camp much longer and was bound to shoot past 300 pounds. I thought if I didn’t do something quick, bariatric surgery appeared to be the only option. That’s when I heard about FA. I was ready. Countless failures and disappointments around my health, career, and relationships had left me with the gift... Continue Reading
I felt different when I was growing up and was somewhat of a loner. My gay feelings inside reinforced this isolation. I could never tell anyone about this part of me. I heard very little about God growing up. I only heard, “God sees everything,” meaning “watch out.” Or if I stubbed my toe or dropped something, it was “God works in mysterious ways.” I prayed up to the stars to please help me figure out/understand the feelings I had inside. It seemed to me that I was a little girl trapped in a boy’s body! Food was always there at birthdays, holidays, vacations, and all the days in between. We celebrated life with food. I comforted and rewarded myself with food treats. In some ways food helped get me through a very difficult part of my life by numbing me out. Using food this way became a ritual and... Continue Reading
My sister called me and said that a “diet class” was being held at my childhood parish. I have deep respect for my sister, so I decided to go. Turns out that I was an hour late, so I attended only the last half of the meeting, but it was a meeting that changed my life. The speakers filled me with hope. I had been a thin young man, but when I was hit with the triple whammy of getting out of the Air Force, getting married, and starting college, I shot up to over 200 pounds and never weighed less than 200 again, until FA. I hated living as a fat man, but I had given up hope. I had tried many diets, with some successes, only to rebound higher every time. I was drinking multiple fatty, sugary drinks every day, and I could not stop my intense cravings.... Continue Reading
