A Story of Recovery:

A Little Girl Trapped in a Big Boy’s Body

I felt different when I was growing up and was somewhat of a loner. My gay feelings inside reinforced this isolation. I could never tell anyone about this part of me.

I heard very little about God growing up. I only heard, “God sees everything,” meaning “watch out.” Or if I stubbed my toe or dropped something, it was “God works in mysterious ways.” I prayed up to the stars to please help me figure out/understand the feelings I had inside. It seemed to me that I was a little girl trapped in a boy’s body!

Food was always there at birthdays, holidays, vacations, and all the days in between. We celebrated life with food. I comforted and rewarded myself with food treats. In some ways food helped get me through a very difficult part of my life by numbing me out. Using food this way became a ritual and a pattern of eating that I became powerless over.

By age 14, I was a freshman in high school and weighed 265 pounds. My parents realized I needed to see a doctor. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, went on diet pills, and stuck with a very small amount of food. A number of months later, I weighed 175 pounds. Victory, problem solved, I thought, I hoped.

Then I stopped taking the diet pills and ate what I thought was “normally.” Needless to say, my weight started going back up. It went from 200-265 pounds over the next 40 years, and was almost always at the higher end.

At age 20, I came out of the closet as a gay man. No more longing and hiding, thank goodness. At age 31, my six-and-a-half-year relationship ended and a friend invited me to a Twelve-Step meeting that had to do with relationships. This was my first introduction to the Twelve Steps and recovery. It was all very strange and unfamiliar, but I knew there was something very special about these meetings. I got a sponsor and he told me that my Higher Power could be anything. I got my first concept of a power greater than myself. I kept coming back even though I did not trust groups.

I had been sober for over 16 years in my foundation Twelve-Step program about relationships. I had been in a loving, committed relationship for 12 years. However, the promises that had been coming true for me in my program were drifting farther away. I was 240 pounds. Issues around keeping my job, my physical health, my relationship, and acceptance of my life were things that were surfacing for me. I was in a crisis and was desperate.

I prayed and wrote to my Higher Power: What should I do? Where should I go? The answer came back to look at my food. I had learned, from my other Twelve-Step group that abstinence helps me make better choices and decisions every single day of my life. I was getting older and felt that in some ways I was running out of time. I wanted to know what it was like to be abstinent in a food program.

I am very blessed to live in an area with many FA meetings. Now the promises of the FA program are coming true. My Higher Power wants me to be present for each day. I certainly cannot do this alone. I have learned that working my tools, being in nature, sleeping, resting, having fun, and living life on life’s terms are the ways I find my Higher Power. I try not to be rushed, buy things compulsively, have too many fantasies, get too tired, focus on money, or have the illusion of control. I have more clarity and confidence in my decisions concerning work and money and relationships. I am truly learning to weigh and measure the various aspects of my life. It all started with weighing and measuring my food.