A Story of Recovery:
Rage Revised
Last Sunday night my ex-wife called. Twenty years of resentment welled up inside while glancing at my caller ID. Last Sunday night it was my Higher Power’s will that I answer the call. My ex-wife began to express frustration about how our 16-year-old was isolating in her room and not getting along with her mom’s new live-in boyfriend. At first my ex was sharing personal frustration, but then she began to question my parenting skills and schedule with a barrage of out-of-bounds questions. My addict screamed Fight! Defend! Attack! And prior to FA, boy did I! Screaming, profane language and menacing threats would soon be hurled on both ends of the phone until one of us became so emotionally exhausted that we would finally hang up. Our children would then live in a toxic sea of anger and resentment for days as I raged on and violently ate every flour and sugar item in sight. This was our vicious cycle through nearly 20 years of marriage and we were divorced to each other, not from each other, in this emotional wasteland.
Last Sunday night was different. I was blessed with an FA miracle. One person on the phone had a program and a Higher Power. Before answering, I asked my Higher Power for the strength to face with honesty and serenity whatever waited on the other end of that line. I answered every pointed or unfair question calmly. The finger-pointing barrage lasted a few minutes, followed by yet another FA miracle. My ex became subdued, sobbing over her frustration. We then tearfully shared much of our pain over past mistakes and regrets regarding choices we had made raising our children. Inexplicably, we both inched over onto the same side of the table to figure out our next right action.
Before FA it was all about ego, pride, and resentment. Tears drip onto my keyboard as I recall the last five words I said to her last Sunday night, “Let’s keep talking about this.” It felt like a heartfelt connection call. Dozens of other profanity-ridden sentences would typically end most of our previous calls. For example, my old farewell had been “Go to ##@*!” Last Sunday night I was no longer afraid nor did I need this violent language to defend myself; I had found my sense of compassion. Thanks to the selfless love of my sponsor and the tools of this program, my teenagers no longer have to endure my rage after these calls. Thanks to this program, I now see how my behavior contributed to the end of my marriage. I have no regrets ending the marriage, but now I am able to find empathy and understanding towards my ex without going face first into the flour and sugar.
On Monday morning I called my sponsor. She suggested I speak to my daughter prior to taking any action. We spoke and my daughter shared that mom and her live-in boyfriend were ready to split and she was tired of the drama. Her room was her only refuge. Oh, the power of doing nothing and the miracles of my sponsor’s advice! Before speaking with my sponsor, I wanted to pull every lever and push every button to fix my daughter now. Of course, I’m a food addict. At first I felt anger towards my ex for failing to include that small important detail during our call, but the tools of this program helped me realize that she was just doing her best with the tools she had.
On Tuesday morning I prayed for my ex and her boyfriend with all my heart. Tears of joy streamed down my cheeks as years of resentment melted off my shoulders. I forgave my ex for wrongs previously thought of as unforgivable. Last Tuesday morning was just another school day for my girls. I aimlessly jabbered to two sleepy teens about God knows what during breakfast. I have no clue what they ate or packed for lunch. I do recall that I ate a weighed and measured breakfast and we shared a few moments of joyous laughs and giggles before they shot out the door to face their day without the added burden of mom and dad’s hellish drama.
I felt pretty accomplished after that, thinking how great I was as I proceeded to prepare my lunch. Peter Gabriel is one of my favorite 1980’s musicians, and I went to Pandora hoping to find one of my favorite ego songs called “Big Time.” The first lyric is “Higher!” How can an addict not love this song? It’s about a small town guy who has huge dreams and nothing is too much for his giant ego. We used to blast this song on Saturday nights during some insane restaurant years. My Higher Power and Pandora had different plans that morning and Gabriel’s “Red Rain” played instead. “Red rain is falling down, red rain, red rain is falling down, falling down all over me.” As this somber song played, tears again ran down my face.
I weighed my lunch in my Tupperware remembering that none of this has anything to do with me. I owe my new life to my Higher Power and to FA. I asked my Higher Power “How did I get here?” I now have a new, productive career after losing my teaching job to food addiction. My home is no longer in foreclosure. Adios to suicidal depression due to severe sleep apnea and bipolar disorder. My relationship with my kids has never been better, and the last phone call I had with my ex was a heartfelt connection call! How can this have anything to do with crazy things my sponsor says like “five point eight ounces of roasted parsnips is not the same as six ounces of roasted parsnips…just let them go”? I no longer yearn to understand why this matters. For today, I have gained the faith that it does, and that’s enough. Goodbye to the physically and spiritually dead 320-pound beast. This morning I chose to arrest him by kneeling beside my bed, committing to three weighed and measured meals, and doing all the tools of the program. Hello to peace and sanity in a normal sized body, thanks to FA. Tomorrow I may choose to release the beast. I am ever so grateful that today is not tomorrow.