When I came into FA, I was on Social Security disability because I am bipolar. I had a doctor who signed a letter saying that I would never work again because I was so mentally ill. I was bingeing and purging, and trying to not go back to using meth because I knew I would lose my disability and my housing. I had seen too many addicts throw everything away in the chase for the drug. I intuitively knew that every binge led to drinking, which led to meth, which led to jail, etc. But there was still no way on earth that I could quit bingeing and throwing up. I was desperate when I came into FA, and I fell in love with the program, even though I kicked, balked, and screamed at virtually every sponsor suggestion. By working with a strong, committed sponsor and taking all of her... Continue Reading
I recently moved to be in a place with a strong fellowship and in close proximity to my sponsor. It is amazing to be able to have the time with her to ask question about food, the FA tools, and about how to live life abstinently. I just finished driving to my sponsor’s new house for a visit. I spent two hours with her and thought that two hours with my sponsor was awesome. But then a tiny part of my brain said, “Gosh, what would it have been like if I had stayed for three!” Crazy. Two hours was perfect. Before FA, my brain did the same thing with the food. “Wow, one plate of dinner was really good, so imagine what a second plate of dinner would do for me.” And then I’d have that second plate and feel stuffed and uncomfortable and guilty that I’d eaten so... Continue Reading
After a semi-successful bout on a commercial diet, I weighed 170 pounds. At 5 feet 3 ½ inches tall, I was far from slim, but considered myself acceptable. I was 47 years old. At a routine visit for my COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease), my pulmonologist said, “You could do less damage to your body by gaining 100 pounds than you are doing by continuing to smoke.” I quit smoking, and with his “permission,” promptly gained 50 pounds. Then I developed breast cancer and had a lumpectomy. A few years later, I reached 236 pounds. In addition to being morbidly obese, I also developed type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, fatty liver disease, an enlarged heart from high blood pressure, and stage 1b lung cancer. I had more doctors than friends. After having a procedure for my lung cancer, the thoracic surgeon said, “You better hope this worked. I don’t feel... Continue Reading
I am almost two years into program, with over seven months of abstinence. I have lost my weight and am feeling good. Fundamentally, all is well. But then, some stress over work comes up, and I find myself eating mouthfuls of flour and sugar, and then deciding I just won’t tell my sponsor! Thankfully, I am having a “food dream.” Or, rather, a nightmare! I wake up in a cold sweat with my heart racing. The images of picking up and eating the very things I know can destroy me and send me spiraling back down into my addictive thinking and eating patterns was definitely nothing short of a nightmare – a floury, sugary, food nightmare. I know now that when I am experiencing anxiety in my day-to-day life, negative thoughts and fears start to creep in. These things are powerful and manifest themselves in my subconscious thoughts. I guess... Continue Reading
Years ago when my husband and I were on vacation, we saw another pair of parents from our children’s grade school days. Sadly, a few years prior to this, they had lost their son to a brain aneurism. I didn’t recognize the husband, as he had gained 80-100 pounds. Some time later, when I described our friend’s weight gain to our son, his reaction was, “Of course he’s gained weight, Mom! His son died! Of course he would eat!!” I closed my eyes and kept my mouth shut. No need to say another word. But in my mind, I felt so grateful for FA and the fact that I don’t have to eat over any event. This is not to say that I haven’t! I didn’t find FA until I was 50 years old. There were many tortured years, when overeating, bulimia and over-exercising were my only solutions. I hated... Continue Reading
