I am a food addict. I am amazed at the range of things that this FA program can help me with. I came to program because I hated my life. Every day I binged and purged. The only relief I had was short-lived. There were times when a combination of speed, booze, boys or just being passed out would end the dreadful, monotonous cycle…but not for long. Inevitably, I would end up back in my familiar rut, bingeing on my familiar foods and purging in whatever toilet I could find. I was too tired to blame anyone anymore or try to understand it. I just did it. I couldn’t work, have friends, have hobbies or develop reasons to live. I was alive merely because I was repeatedly unsuccessful at suicide. Upon entry to FA I was told that recovery from food addiction was possible. It wasn’t a moral issue; rather,... Continue Reading
Right now I am using my program to stop obsessing about skinny jeans. And for all you newcomers, yep, working the FA program makes a person skinny. But then what do I do with a mind that wants to obsess on getting more and more and more pairs of skinny jeans? It is just like with the food; my brain lies and says that if I get xyz then I will feel peaceful and satisfied. Not true! God brings peace and in God’s time. So, I think writing for the connection will probably get me closer to God than giving in to my jeans craziness. I have been back for a couple of weeks from visiting my parents in Oregon. I had not been back to the place where I grew up and lived for about 15 years. I saw no reason for going back. It never occurred to me.... Continue Reading
When I was in my disease, and it would snow, I used to look through all my cupboards, trying to fix the uncomfortable feeling of not being able to get out and about without first digging my way out of the snow. I would feel stuck. Then, I would start eating and I wouldn’t be able to stop; I would have something on the stove, something in the oven, and something on the table that I would be eating. After filling myself so full that it would hurt, I would go downstairs to my laundry room and purge what I had just eaten. Then, I would go back upstairs and clean up the dishes, pots and pans that I had used for my binge. I told myself that I would now have something healthy to eat, but by the time I put all the toppings on my food, it would... Continue Reading
I am a food addict and I need continual help with making honest choices. Although I did want to look honest and conservative, prior to FA, honesty was not on my radar. For me “looking honest” meant security would bug me less when I shoplifted. My shoplifting was primarily for food. I would eat handful after handful from the bulk food bins, steal flour items from the bakery, eat sample after sample, and open packages and leave the rest on the shelf. I felt terribly guilty but I just stuffed more food in my mouth in a futile and insane attempt to “fix” the problem. Sometimes I would get especially brazen and fill my backpack, pockets and clothes with food. It was terrifying and humiliating to have the alarms go off and to be grabbed and chased by security. Sometimes I escaped and a couple times I didn’t. I went... Continue Reading
Twelve years ago, I had no idea how to eat without bingeing and purging; I didn’t trust food or myself. Staying in a hotel and traveling with others was a nightmare. Sometimes I’d feel trapped, stuck in a binge that I couldn’t stop and unable to purge because the hotel-room toilet was impossible to use without others knowing what I was doing. Desperate, I would make an excuse to go to the lobby and find a more secluded bathroom. I’d also drink excessively and blame alcohol for my vomiting. My solutions always involved multiple lies and incredible shame. Sometimes I’d feel temporary relief and comfort, but I always woke up the next day with fear and a frantic need to stop my obsessive eating. There were times when I’d gather the “perfect” binge foods and book a hotel room. I’d get the most inexpensive room possible, the only requirement being... Continue Reading
