A Story of Recovery:

Vicarious Thrills

I was reminded that I am a food addict recently when my daughter was leaving for a five-hour driving trip. She asked if she could take something along to eat. I went to my cupboard and reached for sugar products and then went to the pantry for some flour items. Then someone else in the room said, “How about giving her a sandwich and fruit?” My daughter proceeded to pack a healthy lunch.

Afterward, I wondered why the sugar was in my cupboard at all. I had bought it for her birthday the month before, but thought better of giving food as a gift. Then I thought I would keep it for another time when she would want it. The next day, I shared the experience in an outreach call and committed to throwing it away. When I went to get it, I realized there were several sweet items in the cupboard; some had been in there for several years! I threw the items away, happy to have them out of the kitchen.

The next morning, I realized I had some other sweet treats in another location. Then the thought came to me to check another cupboard. There, in plain sight, was a bag of yet more sugar items. I threw it away. Hours later, yet another item came to mind in another spot. I was shaken.

As I thought about the items that I had just thrown away, I realized that they had all been purchased for someone else’s pleasure, or so I convinced myself. However, my daughter did not choose the sweet items I had purchased for her when she travelled, and my husband has not asked what happened to the treat jar. While they might eat flour and sugar products if they are available, I realized that they do not seek these things out on their own. I was getting some kind of vicarious thrill out of buying food I couldn’t eat for others.

After talking to my sponsor about the incident, she suggested that I only buy items on my shopping list when I go to the grocery store. This eliminates impulse buying. I also have decided to not buy or give food gifts.

I always thought complacency had to do with using the tools. I understand that complacency can also be the attitude that I can handle having food around that I need to recoil from as if from a hot flame. I am grateful to God for opening my eyes and the willingness to do things differently to protect my abstinence.