For as far back as I can remember, I’ve been full of fear, anger, and resentment. The type of resentment I’ve had is not anything I would have called fear or self-centeredness at the time, and it always started the same way. First I would feel annoyed or bothered. Over time, the emotion would grow into agitation. What started off as a nuisance turned into a full-scale resentment, as it engulfed my thinking. I would have to escape from the feelings that were overwhelming me. I would eat, and the feeling would dissipate for a time. So on one particular day, as I sat isolated in the conference room at my workplace, I felt a growing sense of tension. My chest and shoulders tightened and simultaneously expanded into what felt like a never-ending parade of stress. I could feel the walls around me getting smaller; I felt that the weight... Continue Reading
I have been asking God for the courage to change recently, and one area I wish to change is my over-planning. I have come to realize, through my quiet time and the gentle words of my sponsor, that you cannot plan fun. Seriously? To confess this has come as a bit of a shock, as “fun” was actually often written into my plan for the day, even though I did not know what that looked like or how it would occur. At University, despite being unable to actually focus long enough to study, my super- duper, colour-coordinated, tick-boxed plan gave me a fantasy that I was actually doing something constructive with my time. I spent a considerable portion of my evenings carefully planning what it was I wanted to do the following day, and this gave me the illusion that I was actually doing something with my days. The reality was... Continue Reading
Day 39 of shelter in place and month 13 since my world truly turned upside-down after losing my eighteen-year-old son. I felt I had no “experience, strength, and hope” to share with the online gathering of fellows set for that evening. I consider not showing up and just taking the night off. As I prepare my abstinent food for that evening’s dinner, I make the decision to get some outreach calls done. Who to call? The first two are simple, return calls to fellows, both of whom have lived through many things in program and have an abundance of “experience, strength, and hope” to share. These fellows also have the wisdom to be genuine about the strange new world we are all living in while trying to be a part of the solution of not spreading COVID-19. As we speak about how we are feeling and the tools we are using to deal with those... Continue Reading
Ten years ago, I bought a car, resigned from my job, packed up my most important belongings, and headed west. After seven years of living in Philadelphia, I was ready for a change. Mostly, I was just tired of being overweight. I wanted to get away, and I hoped to find a fresh (thin) start somewhere new. Without a job, without a clear destination, and without very much money, I said goodbye to my family, popped my favorite CD into the car stereo, and started driving. Two months later, after a 10,000 mile cross-country adventure, I landed in San Francisco and wound up staying. Although I did not have a conscious or deliberate relationship with God at the time, I can see now that God was with me all along. Despite my lack of planning, I found both a place to live and a job right away, and thus my... Continue Reading
I am 50 years old and I am a food addict. I really don’t know for sure when my food addiction took off, because early on in my life, I was an addict of various substances, first alcohol, and then various forms of drugs. I got clean and sober about 19 years ago, and when I did, I picked up sugar, which became my drug of choice until I realized, in my late forties, that I had a problem with the way I ate sugar. I justified eating sugar because it would keep me from drinking and getting high. Within a couple of years of getting clean and sober, I started noticing that my weight was fluctuating dramatically. Like so many food addicts, I started what I like to call the “dieting merry-go-round,” with success on some plans and not so much on others. The main thing all these diets... Continue Reading
