I never realized how crazy flour and sugar made me. I was only aware of how fat it made me. It took years for me to realize how my food addiction affected my life and was responsible for taking away everything I loved. It’s hard to look back, but as I do, I really believe that because I am a food addict, I made a mess of my life, particularly as a mother. I was controlling, absent much of the time, not available. I clearly did damage to a lot of people I loved. I grew up with parents who loved me. My father weighed around 250 pounds and he was always on a diet. He died of a heart attack when I was twelve. I was completely lost. I would go down to our basement and binge. I picked up food, and my mother picked up booze. My father... Continue Reading
I came to my first FA meeting two years ago weighing 244 pounds. I sat at the back of the room, busting out of my clothes, angry and frustrated, with my arms crossed. I knew nothing about food addiction, recovery, or how desperate I was. I thought I had it together, for the most part, and that is was just this “food thing” I couldn’t control. I heard something that day that changed my life. I heard hope. I don’t remember the name of the happy, skinny lady who was willing to be vulnerable and share her story, but I did hear enough of my own story to feel that there was a solution to the chaos and craziness going on in my head. I was thankful for the people who gave me numbers of potential sponsors. I went back to another meeting. My sponsor shared with me all the... Continue Reading
I was extremely overweight from a very early age. My top weight was 306 pounds. I was full of fear, doubt, and insecurity and didn’t even know it. I spent a lot of my time being bossy and rude to my friends, family members, and strangers. My heart was so hard. I figured everyone was going to judge me by my appearance, so I might as well protect myself. I was in such denial about how I looked that I didn’t even see a problem with my weight. As a young adult, I acquired a huge sense of entitlement and felt the world owed me. I was a screamer. I often yelled at my children before I even knew what I was yelling about. I lost three very successful jobs because of my attitude and inability to work with my co-workers. Friends and family were scared of me. I often... Continue Reading
When I came into the rooms of FA I was angry, hopeless, and cynical. I had experienced a five-year abstinence in another food program before taking back my will and falling back into a relapse that lasted about five years. My top weight was two hundred pounds (my height is 5’6”). I had begun to have a relationship with my Higher Power, and my faith was growing slowly. By the time I found FA, however, the faith that I had begun to experience began to disappear, to be replaced by a huge dose of cynicism and disbelief. The negative thinking that returned slowly took me down a dark and hopeless path that I could not seem to leave. It was very hard for me to believe that God would take care of me and help me with my food addiction. I thought that all the young people that stood up... Continue Reading
I think I knew I was a food addict before I was willing to accept it. My acceptance came in the front seat of a Honda, as I stuffed as many baked goods into my mouth as I could as I drove away from a celebration at my friend’s house. She had packed me a “care package” that I demolished in the 15-minute ride home. I was four weeks into a decision to leave Program. I’d been in Program for over a year and knew it was the place for me. Giving up eating the way I had been eating was really hard for me. Although I was abstinent in the beginning, I soon began to have breaks and then lied about those breaks. In my mind, I rationalized that I was losing weight, and wasn’t that my ultimate goal? But after a while, I couldn’t live with my lying... Continue Reading
