At my first FA meeting almost eight years ago, I was struck by a comment in the reading that this was a “disease of isolation,” and that through our daily call to our sponsor and outreach calls to fellows, the telephone serves as a tool for support. When I first came into Program, I was desperate. I felt alone, helpless, and hopeless over this disease. My sponsor urged me to use the phone to reach out and talk to others in FA. But I didn’t know what to say when I called. What do I say, “Hi, this is Connie, and I am fat, lonely, angry?” It felt so foreign to call anyone, let alone strangers, to talk about problems. Ask for help? Are you kidding? I was desperate, so I did what was suggested. My sponsor taught me to build a list of folks in various time zones and... Continue Reading
When I came into Program, I weighed 187 pounds. I had been overweight since I was nine years old, and although I always wanted it to be different, I really couldn’t see how it would be. I long ago figured out that diets didn’t work. I grew up in an abusive household. It was crazy, violent, and strictly religious. My mother, though, was my angel. She was almost a child herself; she had me when she was 16. She did her best to care for us under my stepfather’s repressive regime. My brother, sister, mother and I were all being abused by him. When I was nine, I woke up one morning and my mother had gone. She couldn’t take it anymore and fled, fearing for her life. I don’t remember being fixated on food before that time, or being self-conscious about my weight. Maybe I was, but maybe, as... Continue Reading
I found FA just before my 30th birthday. My top weight was in the high 180s, which I thought I carried fairly well on my 5’ 6” body. But, I definitely prefer my current weight of 125. My story is not one of immediate willingness or of continuous abstinence. I feel truly grateful for my recovery today because I know I could have been one of the many people who picked up that first bite and never made it back. For as long as I can remember, food has been very important to me. I felt ashamed about how I ate, so I would try to hide it from other people as much as I could. I stole money from my parents to buy sugary treats. I hid in my closet, eating my Halloween and Easter goodies, as well as my sister’s, if I could get away with it. Sugar... Continue Reading
Every Wednesday I took the train from work directly to my illustrating class at a prestigious art school. (The fact that I signed up for the class was totally God). I ate my weighed and measured dinner in the common area, which had tables and chairs, an open area for displaying various student art projects, and a ping pong table. Often there would be students playing ping pong. And just as often, the ball would bounce on the tables near me or under my table. I was rather uncomfortable with this, as it conjured up the idea that I might have to interact with the players, not to mention the fact that I thought it might knock over my water or land in my food. One evening, as I was eating my meal and reading the funnies in the newspaper, a ball bounced on my table and came dangerously close... Continue Reading
One of my good college friends had a bachelorette weekend in CA when I was two years into Program. Little did I know that it would be an illegal drug/smoking fest. And I hadn’t guessed that this would be the weekend when some of my friends thought it would be good to confront me about my “problem” with food (i.e., their “concern” for me being in Program). Little did they know that this program was saving my life. Before FA, I was 165 pounds, exercising for more than three hours a day, and wasn’t losing weight. I had tried many free diets because I was too financially insecure to pay for anything. When I was in college, whenever I was numb, bored, or overwhelmed, I would sit and read with my hand in a bag and stuff my mouth, not even knowing how much I had consumed until there was... Continue Reading
