A Story of Recovery:
The Fall “Trifecta” of Food
September
I always loved school. I loved learning, and shopping for all the new school clothes. But I hated having to buy clothes in sizes that were bigger than last year. When I became a teacher, it was very depressing trying to find anything to wear because I continued to get bigger and bigger. It was the perfect month to “start a new diet”—a fresh school year, and a fresh start at my attempt to lose weight.
October
Halloween is the first of the year’s events that I think of as the food addict’s “Trifecta,” a term used in horseracing in which a bettor wins by selecting the first three finishers of a race in the correct order of finish.
Halloween has always been a favorite holiday for me, not only because of the sweets. I love disguises and costumes, but I could never fit into any of the good-looking costumes I wanted to wear.
I’d buy the bags of stuff for the “trick-or-treaters,” even though we never had many. I always had to buy more and more bags to replace what I ate, many weeks before Oct 31 actually arrived. I could not have simply one type of treat to give out; I had to buy at least four different bags to have a good “mix,” for those non-existent trick-or-treaters.
November
Thanksgiving is Trifecta #2. Another perfect time for a food addict to practice his/her addiction. After eating all the junk in October, I’d had it. Now I was really going to diet! Everyone else could stuff themselves silly—I was smarter than they were. This is when I’d really begin restricting, but it was all a sad attempt to permit myself to pig out on Thanksgiving Day.
I also spent a lot of energy planning what I was going to wear when I went back to visit the family I hadn’t seen in at least a year. I shopped with money I didn’t have, and often bought things I would only wear once, if at all, dreaming about how great I would look. I had to impress the family, because the first thing my mom would do when I walked in the door was remark on how thin or heavy I was. I felt a lot of pressure to “impress” the other food addicts in my family. It always ended in disaster.
On Thanksgiving Day, I’d starve myself all morning, and by 1 p.m., throw in the towel. After everyone had seen me, I didn’t care anymore, and I’d eat whatever I wanted anyway, justifying the binge with thoughts of, “It’s only one day. I’ll eat less tomorrow.” No wonder we refer to Thanksgiving in FA by its other given name—Thursday. It was just another humdrum day in my world of dream diets that never came true.
December
Trifecta #3. By this time, the self-hatred was in full effect. My husband worked for large corporations, and there were often lavish company parties. The pressure I felt to be “arm-candy” was immense, although all in my mind. After blowing my fantasy diets in October and November, now was the time to really get serious. I would lament about how great I could look in a gorgeous little dress, if only I could lose the weight. I fantasized about my husband being so proud to have me on his arm. (It never came true until after FA.)
On party night, I would end up looking like a stuffed sausage with too much eye shadow. And once we got to the event, a good food addict like me could not resist the spread! It was my favorite kind of food— free. I always felt like I had to get my money’s worth, even though it didn’t cost us a dime. I could never pass up free food. I never lived up to my own expectations.
January
After stuffing myself on all three holidays, despite my best intentions, I would now feel thoroughly disgusted with myself. I watched the Infomercials and read all the “diet porn” in the checkout aisle, wondering: Why couldn’t that be me? Once again, my self-disgust would drive me to restricting my food intake, but it could never last. My weight ultimately went up seven pounds per year for five years.
The holidays now…
I am happy to report that I have stepped off the holiday diet merry-go-round of self- hatred. When I stepped into the rooms of FA my weight melted off in eight months. I went from 205 pounds in February, to 132 pounds in October.
Now, at Halloween, I no longer buy the bags of sugar items starting in September and eating them for the two months leading up to Halloween. I was able to wear a witch costume from Target, size small, which matched my three-year-old daughter’s costume. I also have a Star Trek dress I’m quite fond of, knee-high boots and all. I can’t wait for Halloween because it’s no longer about the sugar and self-hatred. Now, it’s about dressing up with my kids. I hope I am making great memories for them.
Now Thanksgiving is really about giving thanks. Some of my favorite things about this holiday are the Thank-a-Thon’s that FA hosts on Thanksgiving Day. A wise woman once said that when you are going to face family, food, and alcohol together, it’s a great day for a meeting! It is so helpful to attend a meeting of other food addicts on a day with so much expectation involved.
I have learned that I’m not the only one who sometimes dreads seeing my family. I am also happy to report that I no longer fret over my appearance. My husband no longer works for a company with lavish holiday parties, but if he did, I would be able to wear whatever I wanted. The funny thing is, my looks are not my focus anymore. I enjoy making the holidays special for my children and doing service for elderly family members.
And January? No more diet porn for me, thank you! When I look at all those magazines in the checkout aisle, I am so grateful to be off the merry-go-round of insanity. I don’t have to “lose the holiday pounds.” By continuing to work my tools daily, one day at a time, my weight stays consistent.
My holidays have transformed from a time filled with unmet expectations and self-hatred to a time of quiet, joyful appreciation and gratitude. By working my program each day, to the best of my ability, I am able to keep the gift that has so freely been given to me.