A Story of Recovery:

The Endless Void

My husband has always said that pain is the greatest motivator. I started FA in so much mental and physical pain. At 5”1’, I weighed 231 pounds (104.8 kilos), was pre-diabetic and on the heart transplant list. I also had a roof over my head, a full belly and loving family and friends. I was not under a bridge, worrying where my next meal would come from, but his was my rock bottom.

Living yet dying. I spent years obsessing about food and my weight. I obsessed about when and what to eat. Eat, binge, purge, starve and then a sprinkle of depression with a side of anxiety. The last few years of my addiction, food did not taste good anymore. Hence, the larger bags of foods to sustain the longer binges. The mass amounts of intake turned into purging. I was searching for that joy, the joy food used to give me. No matter how hard I searched, nothing would fill that void. Imagine a cup without a bottom; that kind of void. The bingeing turned into days of starvation and so many Mondays would fly by.

Everybody’s rock bottom looks different. I read somewhere, how many drinks does it take for someone to be an alcoholic? Well, how many non-abstinent meals does it take for someone to be a food addict? I know I am a food addict because whenever I stopped, I couldn’t stay stopped. When I started, I was on a bender for months on end. My appetite was never ruined, I snacked all day. I watched TV shows of overweight people to curb cravings; it didn’t stop me from eating. My addiction is strong. I wasn’t myself and it affected my family and my life in spades. Life was miserable.

I was born with a genetic heart condition; hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, diagnosed in my early twenties. This lead to self-pity, which added fuel to the fire. I abused flour, sugar and unmeasured quantities of food. This did not help my heart condition. I thought for sure I could eat whatever I wanted. That wasn’t the case. I gained weight, which put stress on my heart and joints. My body ached, my mind suffered. I needed help. My addiction had me by the neck.

A year before I came to meetings, my husband gave me the information to FA. Reluctantly, I decided that I wanted to do more research. That didn’t work out for me. Fortunately, a year later, I went to my first meeting. All I knew was that I wanted the incessant pain of food addiction to go away; it wasn’t about losing weight anymore. I didn’t know what to expect, but I wanted and needed help.

I met my sponsor at my second meeting. Her first few words to me were, “Do you have the gift of desperation?” I was confused yet enlightened. I decided to dive right into the program. Why not? This couldn’t hurt. What have I got to lose? (Pun intended). After the meeting, I got to working with my sponsor. She gave me a food plan, told me when to call and we talked about the tools. I called her right on time, to the second. Within the first week the pain and obsession were gone! The fog was gone, too! I didn’t even realize it until someone asked me how I felt.

Little did I know the void in my life could be filled with being abstinent and working this program. I went to FA for one thing and I’ve been given so many great things for free. Today I am off metformin and on my way to a right-size body. I am no longer on the heart transplant list, as I have fully recovered. I no longer need a new heart. Losing weight has added to my recovery from hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. This way of life is the easier softer way. When I spend time using all of the tools daily, my life is manageable. I’m now able to be a better wife, mom and genuine friend. This program has empowered my life in spades. If I didn’t shelve all of my fears and anxiety when I went to my first meeting, I would still be over 200 pounds (90.7 kilos) and missing out on my life. This is my home, my tribe. Give this a try. What have you got to lose?