A Story of Recovery:
My skin represents my battle scars
I am now 225 pounds lighter than I was in the 11th grade, when I weighed 367 pounds. I have spent most of my adult life living in a 300-plus pound body. I am learning to live in this new body, and I have never been a fast learner. A whole new world has opened up to me and I feel like I’m living in a foreign country and don’t know the language. I never thought I would see this day, let alone be here to live it.
The first time I realized things were different was one day last summer when I was shopping for some summer clothes. I went into the store and tried on the 2X and it was too big, as was the 1X and XL. I had no clue what to do. I called someone in FA. She told me to go to the lady’s department, and suggested I take several sizes into the dressing room to try on. On that trip I bought a size large shorts.
Now I am in a size 6. My body has changed so much. One of the major obstacles I am faced with now is the excess skin left over from the weight loss, which I was very self-conscious about. I hated how I looked at more than 300 pounds, but I wasn’t liking this body either. Each time I looked in the mirror, my mind would fill up with tons of negative thinking. I would start thinking that I looked better before and that I looked gross and like a prune. I thought I had to wear long-sleeved shirts and long pants even in hot weather.
After many talks with my sponsor and other people in FA, it finally sunk in that this is my body and I should think of my excess skin as “war scars.” I realized that I had spent my life battling my weight and my mental and spiritual state. I need to accept that my body went though a metamorphosis and that I need to accept my body as it is. It will never be a perfect“10” but I must think like a “10.” Acceptance is the answer to being at peace with my body. I must accept this fact. I need to ask God daily for strength to not go into negative thinking.
I recently went to my Monday committed meeting on a holiday. It was very sunny and warm out and I had the day off. I went to the meeting in shorts and a print T-shirt. I was way out of my comfort zone and it was a big stretch for me. I would have preferred being covered up head to toe, but I knew I needed to go as I was. The first person I saw from FA noticed that I was not covered up like I usually am. I talked with people and they told me that I inspired them to look at themselves and how they cover up their own imperfections.
My body is my body. Whether or not I get odd looks and even negative comments, I am learning to hold my head high. The skin represents my battle scars and it is a daily reminder of what I was like before, with my excess weight, high blood pressure, sore joints, and breathlessness. Mentally I was a mess, on and off anti-depressants, sleeping pills, in and out of therapy and rehab, stealing Valium, and full of self-hatred and loathing. At night I hoped I would not wake up the next day. Spiritually I blamed God. I thought that if there was a God, he must have hated me more then I hated myself to put me through such hell. I had no relationship with a higher power. I used to go to church to be a “good” girl and I thought it would make other people not see how miserable I was.
Today I still am adjusting to living in this right-sized body and am working on loving myself as I am. Some days I do fall back into negative thinking, but Program has given me a way to deal my negative thoughts without eating over them. I use the tools to keep working my program and I no longer am ashamed to go out in public in shorts and short sleeves. This summer I will not have to suffer from the heat. I will wear my battle scars with pride as a reminder of what it was like before recovery in FA.