A Story of Recovery:
Laugh, Pray, Retire
I didn’t have recognizable weight issues until my late forties. I was always just shy of 140 pounds, but then I started to put weight on, primarily helped by a stress-related job. I was very addicted to flour and sugar and used them to medicate myself when I had any feelings. I would act out, not only with food, but also with rage and anger—corrosive anger. I was like a dry-drunk—mercurial, grandiose, manipulative, sentimental, and confused. The key was my inner state. If I felt incapable, less-than, or mildly threatened, I would react violently.
When I was a kid, I remember taking a friend to visit my grandmother, who had looked after me after my mother died. My grandmother liked my friend and commented on his politeness. I felt really threatened, as he seemed to be usurping her heart. I picked a fight with him and struck him, hurting him and damaging our relationship.
About ten years ago, I was in my late fifties, out of work, and worried that I would never find another job. One of the reasons I joined FA was to have somewhere to go and something to do while I found a job. It turns out that I found three jobs within a month, and lost weight and got rid of my allergy headaches and high blood pressure. Armed with this physical recovery, I stayed around to see whether the stuff about emotional and spiritual recovery was true as well.
The company I was working for was taken over by an East Coast company and I knew that I would lose my job and would need to plan for retirement. I chose to continue in place until the ax fell. Then I would have to plan for retirement. Because of Program, I had a really good relationship with my boss. Although the events were upsetting, I had his friendly support. I was put on “gardening leave” for six months, meaning that I was paid, but not required to turn up at the office. It was useful in that I was able to attend to planning my reaction to events as I sped through the white-water of change. I consulted my sponsor—frequently! There was much to do: sell my house in a down market, buy a smaller house, and arrange for Medicare. I had to sort out separate insurance for my wife, and my own additional health insurance and Social Security. I had to consolidate my investments and work out how our income would be paid into our account in the future and whether my budget would suffice. I had to sort out where we wanted to live.
In my work, it was satisfying being an agent of change, influencing executive management and designing well-structured processes. Being an agent of change was great, but being the recipient of change was disconcerting. The realization of the impending end of my 45- year career in computing filled me with such insecurity, such anxiety. I made financial preparations. I hadn’t saved enough, so I started to put away ten percent of my salary. I kept a detailed spreadsheet of where my money was going for groceries, gas, and the rest. The former exercise prepared me for living on less, and the latter gave me a sense of reality so that I could set expectations for when I retired.
I was learning that you could prepare for an event such as retirement, but that the actual experience could be akin to shooting white-water rapids. Thank God for my sponsor, who helped me through with a combination of recovery and life experience. I had good, clear thinking, which would have been impossible had I not given up flour and sugar.
Had I not been in FA, I would have handled my loss of job, selling my house, retirement and so forth with overeating, drinking, and other acting out, including rage and anger. I may well have lost my wife of 45 years. Before FA, I was in a state of feeling hurt and reacting blindly to events, as a victim. Although life still happens, I now have some equanimity and consciousness to deal with it as it comes. I’m not perfect (yet) but in an infinitely better place because of acceptance and a better attitude, through God’s grace.
But it didn’t all go smoothly. I was particularly terrified of government bureaucracy and the uncertainty of the housing market. I felt vulnerable, and in giving up control of earning, I felt incapable and somehow a failure. I wrapped Program around myself and worked my tools, yet in the early hours of the night, I found myself awake and thinking about what I had to do to survive, including preparing my tax return for the following year. I tried to surrender, but returned to fear, uncertainty, and doubt as if they were old friends.
The change came for me through prayer. One night, I’d really had enough, and early in the morning I got out of bed at about two-thirty, kneeled on the floor and prayed, “Lord, take this anxiety from me.” It went. Close to astonishment, I reported it to a friend, who said, “Well, someone must have been listening!” I had a good laugh, and that probably was the turning point; prayer and humor.
After that, when issues and frustrations came up, I was able to laugh and accept the lunacy of it all. I made mistakes. I forgot to add dental insurance to my agreement, so had no coverage for six months. We made alterations. We changed the house we were going to buy and stayed in a hotel for an extra month. It wasn’t too bad. We cooked for ourselves, our suite was cleaned daily, and we had HBO.
Even “contempt prior to investigation” came up for grabs. I always said I would never live in a gated, senior community, yet we were grateful to purchase a cute house with a beautiful view in such a place. My sponsor has visited and loves it here. I have joined the ceramics club and the gymnasium and may even thrash about on the golf course later in the year. We have a movie theatre that shows foreign and up-to-date movies.
So what have I learned? That fear and anxiety can morph life into a nightmare, that most suffering is self-induced, and that prayer and a sense of humor can help get us through most things. I have gained clarity of mind, have become honest with myself, and have become more service-oriented. I make prompt amends when necessary, and eat weighed and measured meals at regular intervals. All this has reduced my anxieties. The old prima donna days of driving ambition and exaggerated prowess are gone.
Probably the biggest thing I’ve learned is that there are people out there who actually respond kindly to ensure that another human being goes on his way aided by a little tender loving care.
I have been cared for…and I am grateful.