A Story of Recovery:

FA First? What?

I am a pastor’s wife. I am a food addict.

When I first walked into the meeting room in the basement of our local hospital, I was very suspicious. I knew nothing about FA, except what I could glean from a connection magazine I found in a doctor’s waiting room. I had figured out it was a program for food addicts, and that food and flour were not eaten.

I arrived at my first meeting half an hour late. There were only three people in the room and it felt immensely awkward. I had so many questions and  was so thankful for the break, because  all the people in the room turned towards me, introduced themselves, and started answering all my questions. They gave me pamphlets and telephone numbers. I took all the information home, read it that night, and within three days, decided that FA was not for me. Being quick and certain in decision making, I threw all the information into the garbage, and moved on with my life.

But my life wasn’t moving anywhere. I was drowning in food and depression. I started each and every day with a massive sugar kick. I required my next booster within two hours, and so on my day would go. I had rules in my house for sugar and sweet consumption that I held my kids too, but I regularly dosed myself with large sugar amounts, just to keep functional. But I was no longer coping, spending time every day in tears and depression.

I knew something had to change and the only option I had in front of me was FA, so I went back. I managed to arrive on time, sort of. I heard the sentence about arriving on time so as to not distract others and took note of that for the future. I got a sponsor and agreed to call her and start my program the next day. I found out that I was required to do  three meetings per week, and took the plunge, deciding that if I was to do FA, I’d give it a fair chance and see what came of it.

But I was still quite wary. I told my husband a lot about the program and we decided that I would do what my sponsor said as long as it didn’t go against my basic convictions and beliefs.  I didn’t fully understand how FA worked, or if there were secrets or information that were going to conflict with my basic belief system. I figured the best way to find out was to proceed carefully and do the program fully. I decided to be completely open and honest with my husband, and we agreed beforehand that if I was told to do something completely whacky, like divorce him, I would listen to his advice and not the advice of my sponsor. I really didn’t trust either this program or my sponsor, at first.

Within three months, I was over the sugar withdrawal. This withdrawal was quite severe. I was in bed for two days, exhausted for six weeks, but freed from depression and tiredness by three months. Wow, I could not believe the difference. I loved to read the promises of the program because they were starting to come true in my life and I couldn’t believe it…just like they said.

One of my hang-ups initially as I learned the program, was the directive I received from my sponsor to put FA first, and that everything else would find its place. This comment really freaked me out, because I understood it as going against my religious beliefs. I had always been taught: God, family, work. I wasn’t sure how my higher power would feel if I rearranged things to: FA, God, family, work. Thankfully, by the time I heard this FA maxim, I was far enough into the program to have a little more trust in my sponsor and a little more distrust of myself and my own way of working things. I decided that even though I was on “red alert,” I would continue the program and see how this statement would work itself out.

I am really glad I did just that. I now understand this statement very well. I no longer see this maxim as putting God in second place, but rather I see FA as truly helping me to put God in first place. For me, a food addict, nothing comes before my food and my own selfish needs, no matter how much I want them too. FA is a program, a framework, a cage that controls the addict in me and helps me to really live with my higher power in first place. I am lying to myself if I think that I can truly put God in first place without the help of this program. Furthermore, I see more and more how God is using this program to work in my life, to change me, to fill my life with more peace and serenity, and to lead me into more of a relationship with Him.

Sometimes I feel really sad when I see people of a religious background give up in terror of FA. They hear someone say that FA comes first, and they so misunderstand. An addict cannot put anything but themselves and their addiction first. God is bigger than even a sponsor, and He will use this program in our lives if we give Him a chance.