A Story of Recovery:

Choosing Surrender

As I look at my computer keyboard, I can’t help but notice the keys named “option” and “command.” I look at these keys many times during the day, and I always think about my life choices before FA and my choices now that I am in FA recovery.

When I first came into FA, I heard many of my sponsor’s “suggestions” as commands. She advised me on how to food shop, what type of food scale to buy, how to weigh and measure my food, what times to eat my meals, and what meetings to go to. She asked me to call her at exactly a certain time, and advised that I take 30 minutes of quiet time, make phone calls, and follow other tools of the program. So commanding, I thought.

Before FA, I could not stop eating when I wanted to stop eating, not for one day, not for one meal. I was taking laxatives addictively to try to control my weight, yet I was gaining weight and was miserable about getting bigger and bigger.

I used to rush through all of my daily tasks. I would push my grocery cart like I was driving an Indy 500 race car. I would pride myself on how fast I could get in and out of the store. If I met someone I knew and was trapped into talking with them, I would only be thinking about how I could make a quick exit. I never stood for long anywhere, or with anyone, to enjoy being in the moment. I was always thinking and obsessing about what my next activity was and what I needed to accomplish. My mind was always far from where I actually was.

I see now how my unhealthy behavior affected our family. I was always trying to fix things for everybody, especially our oldest son. He has struggled with his own addictions and unhealthy behaviors, and I just wanted a quick fix so I would not have deal with his misery. He used to work for my husband off and on, and when he wasn’t working, I use to interject and pressure my husband to re-hire him into our family business. This caused great tension and dissension in our home. I was always trying to control my husband and son’s work and family relationships. My son was in and out of a detox center. At one time, we went almost two years of having no contact with him.

Thank you God, I followed a friend into FA; she had lost 200 pounds in a year. I asked her many times what she did to lose weight, and each time she told me about FA. She would tell me about weighed and measured meals, and I heard “Weight Watchers.” She would say no flour, no sugar, and I would say, “Atkins diet.”

One day I was so despondent and desperate to change my life, to feel and look better, that my ears were opened to hear and to listen. I know now that that was God answering my prayers. I finally asked her if I could go to one of her meetings with her. I was really hoping and praying that I would be able to follow the program at least long enough to lose some weight and start feeling somewhat normal.

I came to FA in my comfortable, extra-large elastic-waist sweat pants and my big roomy sweatshirt. I had clothes in my closet that were tight and uncomfortable, and I felt miserable wearing them. My life felt like it was spiraling out of control. I found myself lying on my family room couch, wondering why I was still here. I felt valueless and ineffective as a mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and person. All of my focus was on how I had failed at bringing up my son as a healthy, happy, productive, functioning human being. I thought if I just floated away, that nothing much about me would be missed. But I thought of our other two sons and how they might need me. I knew that I should get out of the dark hole I was in. I knew I needed to somehow get myself in a healthier place, but I thought that God might have given up hope on me.

The biggest message I heard, when I sat in my chair listening to the speaker at that first FA meeting, was that I was not alone, and that I was not so crazy or so different from those people sitting in the room. They shared how they had lost control of their eating, their thinking, and the way they lived their lives, and they had found their answers in FA. I heard hope that night, hope I had forgotten about for so long. I got hope about eating healthy normal meals, without laxatives, and how to improve and live with healthy relationships.

My FA sponsor started suggesting that I slow down and focus my day around my FA recovery, practice my FA disciplines daily, and learn to practice “letting go.”  I took her suggestions, and am proud to say that I am now a very slim, five-foot tall, healthy size 4, at age 54. I am so grateful that I have not taken another laxative since I entered the doors of FA. I have learned, through working the Twelve Steps of FA, to focus on myself, look at myself and my defects, and put my husband, my son, and our other two sons, family and friends, in God’s hands. I have learned to be grateful that I have a husband who loves me and supports me and stayed with me through these years of my obsessive (yet not deliberate), manipulating of this relationship.

Thank you God, our son came back into our lives, and when I can feel that urge to want to help him, like asking my husband to give him a job again, I say the serenity prayer, remember my talks with my sponsor (who would remind me that this subject, if addressed with my husband, is “toxic” for me). I go to quiet time and I ask God to help me let my son and his troubles go—go to God. I still use a visual that I have adopted as my own from a fellow: I envision my loved one, or whomever I am worried about, swaddled in a baby blanket, and I hand them over to the hands of God. It’s amazing how peace and serenity will replace my worry and anxiety.

So now when I look at these two option and command keys on the computer, I chuckle to myself. I know now that all of my sponsor’s suggestions for my recovery are gifts passed on to me as options for me to accept. I choose every day to receive these gifts. I have come a long way from feeling as though I get commands thrown at me. I now feel blessed to have so many options to choose so I can live such a wonderful life, without food obsession, self-hatred, isolation, and shame. I choose to work my recovery in the way that my sponsor, and those who went before me, work their recovery.

I am now living the kind of life I desire to live. I eat healthy, appropriate portions of food in front of people, like a lady, with utensils, instead of hiding and eating alone, with my hands stuffed into boxes and bags. I fit in all of the clothes in my closet, and don’t have to wonder if something will button or zip up. I pray and practice “biting my tongue,” and listening before I jump to fix someone else’s problems. I have learned that sometimes the best gift I can give is just to listen and to pray that others will find their own answers with God. I marvel at the peace I experience.