For years, I wrestled with fear, doubt, and insecurity. I worried about everything, from raising children and being a responsible citizen of the world, to having enough money. Although I was an active member of a religious community, I had no relationship with the God of my upbringing. At the same time, I struggled with my eating. I say eating rather than weight because my weight fluctuated so much. The numbers on my bathroom scale were not always a problem, but I habitually went on the “diet to end all diets,” which I told myself would get me down to an ideal size, whatever that might be. I would then, of course, start eating healthily and follow new exercise regimes that would rid me of my cellulite. My relationships with other people were not as I wanted them to be. I was impatient and angry with my family, as well... Continue Reading
I found Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) in Vancouver when I was 30 years old. I was 5’ 6” and weighed 189 pounds (86 kilos). I lost 60 pounds (27 kilos) and have consistently stayed the same weight for the last three years. I was on the frontier [term previously used to describe an area far away from an established in-person FA fellowship] from the start but was lucky enough to have two small meetings at the time. When I came into recovery, I was desperate. I had again ended up lying on my bed in the fetal position after a binge. The negative voice in my head had become so painful to listen to. I was done! I searched online for “help for binge eating” and “counselors” popped up, but I had been to many of those. FA also popped up, and this was new. I called the FA office next day from work, so scared. I connected with the fellow who answered because we shared similar childhood experiences. I... Continue Reading
At my last annual physical, I told my doctor that he should try reverse psychology, suggesting that instead of telling me to lose 25 pounds, he should tell me to gain 10. He was not amused. Frankly, I had gotten to the point in my life where I could not seem to lose even 5 pounds. I was pre-diabetic with cholesterol over 300 and arthritis in my knee, shoulder, and fingers. I had been in another twelve-step program for food fourteen years earlier, and I had gotten down to 214 pounds (97 kilos), but eventually I decided I could do it on my own and left that fellowship. So there I was, 57 years young and 5 foot 11 inches tall, when I finally crossed that “line-in-the-sand” with my weight and reached 280 pounds (127 kilos). I was shocked; I’d never been above 250 (113 kilos)! So, right away, I started eating more “sensibly” and getting in some light exercise. Ten days later, to my horror, the scale said 293 (133 kilos). At that point, I refused to get on the scale, so I have no idea how much bigger I got. Yet, this drove me back to the other food program where... Continue Reading
Two years before I came to Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) I had taught myself to quilt. Prior to FA quilting was probably the only activity I did without eating. I didn’t want messy hands when working on my projects, but I took plenty of breaks, meaning trips to the kitchen for food. I’ve been a professional quilter since 2012. Customers piece quilt tops together and then pay me to finish them by putting together all the layers with decorative stitches on my industrial machine. I wanted to have this kind of business soon after I started quilting. Many years later abstinence made it possible. I have piles of quilt tops I’ve made but, because quilting for others is my job now, I get very little time to finish my own projects. I recently had a chance to do one of my own, so I chose a very cool, modern look. I couldn’t decide on the designs to stitch but got started, sure that some inspiration would come, as is my method with challenging customer projects. It was not working for my own, however. I’d had high expectations from the start: The quilt would be amazing, and it would be... Continue Reading
When I grew up, everything looked great from the outside. We lived in a beautiful dutch-colonial brick home on five acres. My mother was a master organic gardener. There was an acre for cut flowers, a huge organic garden, and fruit trees. We raised honeybees, and there were horses, a dog, a cat, and some chickens. The front yard was a beautifully manicured acre with a horseshoe driveway. There was a summer house that was covered in trumpet vines, and a pond. The windows were all washed and sparkled in the spring and summer. My parents were very attractive, and they drummed into us the importance of being good citizens. My family was large: my parents, two sets of twins (I am a twin) and 10 siblings. I have two brothers and seven sisters. My parents did not drink alcohol, but both grandfathers were alcoholics, and my parents said they... Continue Reading
