A Story of Recovery:

Beaten, Broken Body

When I was 29 years old, I made the mistake of experimenting with freebase cocaine and experienced a brush with death after having inhaled some vomit as a result. I was in a coma for eight days; on two occasions, I was told, I had flat-lined brain waves. I should have died; but God had other plans for me. When I came out of the coma, I wrestled with three bouts of pneumonia. My weight dropped from 185 pounds to 143 pounds, and at 6 foot 3 inches I was now skinny and weak. The doctors removed the feeding tubes, and taught me how to eat again without choking on the food, because at that point I had lost all my motor muscle skills as a result of the anoxia. The nurses began feeding me double entrées and triple desserts in an effort to put the weight back on. It was at this time I believe my addiction to food began. Once I regained enough control to be able to feed myself, I was off and running. In only two and a half years, I was up to 250 pounds.

Over the past 34 years, I have had many brushes with the law as result of my obsession with food. I resorted to stealing food and eating with abandon in supermarkets, blaming my limited income. I had some really distorted thinking, believing that so long as I stole food that was going to kill me, it was okay. Though I had been an Eagle Scout when young, my morals and social responsibility had gone out the window as a result of my addiction to food. My distorted thinking ignored the possibility that there would ever be any consequences to my actions of both stealing and eating, until my weight finally got up to 487 pounds. I was once described as a Paul Bunyan or an oversized teddy bear. But unlike a teddy bear, while I had a smiling countenance on the outside, inside I was dying.

Over the years I have tried hypnosis, acupuncture, “Opti-Fast,” “Slim Fast,” the grapefruit diet, and many other diet and weight loss programs; but nothing seemed to work. I tried OA several times and was gratified to learn that I was not alone in my problems around food. Although I relished the fellowship of OA, I did not personally experience the recovery I sought. My tie to food was just too great and I had not been working the Twelve Steps. But it was through my involvement with OA that I was finally introduced to FA. At that point I weighed 450 pounds.

When I did finally find my way into the doors of FA, I found real hope for the future instead of despair. During this time the obsession with food and the thievery that had plagued me finally abated. I was blessed with abstinence for my first six months in program, but I did not practice the tools of the program on a consistent basis. As a result the food was just waiting for me. I broke my abstinence long before I told my sponsor. By the time I had come clean I was deep into sugar, flour and shoplifting again. I was consumed by guilt, which made me want to eat even more. I tried many times after that to claim abstinence, but it seemed impossible. I regained the 80 pounds I had lost, plus an extra 20 pounds, and now I was at 470 pounds. Letting my tools slide, not reading my Big Book, just making occasional outreach calls and skipping quiet time had finally taken its toll. My abstinence was the casualty.

The problem was between my ears and my connection with my Higher Power. Although my body was there at meetings, my mind was often a million miles away. Very often I would sit in the back of the room pretending to stroke my goatee while actually slipping a small candy into my mouth. I had a very defiant and rebellious attitude towards FA. I was resentful of the fact that I even had to be there in the first place. The truth of the matter was that anger is actually a reflection of the self-loathing that had taken place as a result of what I had done to my body.

There were many times when I experienced periods of abstinence and recovery, but my spiritual blackouts kept pulling me back to my food addiction. I went through many sponsors over the years, breaking my abstinence over and over again. I lost and gained weight several times, until finally, after getting just below 300 pounds, I once more broke my abstinence significantly. Over the next year I put on approximately 10 pounds per month. I finally got my abstinence back again at 396 pounds. I was unaware of the damage I had done to my body.

I was able to lose 20 pounds on my own, and then God answered my prayers and provided a firm, loving sponsor who helped me to continue down to about 280 pounds. At this time I began experiencing severe back pain and had to go to the hospital for a second lumbar fusion surgery. While in recovery at home my hands started going numb so it was back to the hospital. I had some cervical fusions which did not go well, causing spinal cord damage and ultimately landed me in a wheelchair. I was a beaten man; but somehow the love of my FA sponsor and fellows carried me through.

I would like to say that I have had a smooth journey since then, but that has not been the case. Now, some eight years have passed, and after a year of “squeaky clean” abstinence, I am finally down to 206 pounds and within six pounds of my goal weight. The difference is my willingness to finally get honest and surrender to God, to my sponsor and to the tools of this program. I now do all the tools every day. I read my Twenty-Four Hours a Day, do my quiet time, make those three outreach calls, read two pages from the Big Book as well as the FA Book each night, consistently. This has made all the difference: bringing me closer to God and bringing me some serenity.

I attend two meetings a week along with a phone AWOL. My health precludes me from traveling the long distance needed to attend an in-person AWOL. The intimacy of sharing at AWOL has helped me get more in touch with my feelings and spurred me on to be more intimate and revealing in my outreach calls. I can no longer get on my knees in the morning to ask God for an abstinent day and at night to thank him for it. It is a daily humble reminder of what I have done to my body as a result of my addiction to food. Instead, I bow my head in the am and pm in supplication and gratitude for my abstinence. I am grateful for every day of life lived abstinently, Thank You God and thank you FA. I am a Food Addict but I do not have to suffer any more.