As the new year approaches, I am sitting here thinking about this occasion in years past. I always had resolutions, always. Looking back, I now see that they were pretty typical addict resolutions: I was going to quit smoking, I was going to stop drinking (for real this time!), and, of course, this was going to be the year that I was going to eat in a healthy way for the rest of my life—no junk, no sugar (wasn’t so convicted about the flour), and no caffeine. And, I was going to stop throwing up once and for all. When making all these resolutions, I had the best of intentions. I believed that this time it would be different. I would try this, that, or the other approach that I had not tried before, and this time it would work. No thought was given to the fact that it never... Continue Reading
This was my eleventh Christmas in recovery and the first Christmas without my mom. Not that we had been terribly close, but over the last four years, she had become a bright spot in my life. Then one day she was found dead in her garden, and all I have now are memories. Our last phone conversation was full of love, mutual caring, and tolerance. We were really listening to each other. The last couple of times I had seen her, I had pocketed my pride and my childhood pain so I could show her the love and affection I had found through FA recovery. I made my amends to her, and whenever I visited, I stayed in close touch with FA, via my outreach calls. My mom became loving and caring and did not control me at all. What had happened? That was not the kind of dragon I... Continue Reading
Twenty-seven years ago, when I first met the man to whom I am now married, we were just getting to know each other, so in the spirit of honesty and “full disclosure,” I told him that I had been bulimic, but wasn’t anymore. At the time, I was in another Twelve-Step program for food addiction (although we didn’t call it that). I had not been actively bulimic for a while, so I thought it safe to tell him, because I was “fixed.” I had been anxious about telling him, not knowing what the response would be. When he did not go screaming in the other direction, I thought: Phew! That’s over! Now we can get on with it. Things went along quite well for the next several months. I had a good job, I was in love, and all was right with the world. But alas, as I was to... Continue Reading
Ah, the holidays are upon us. My sponsor speaks of all the sparkly food out there this time of year. Each time I walk into a grocery store, I heed her words. Everything in the store is designed to make me want to buy it. In truth, because it is food, it doesn’t take much to draw me in. That is why, after three years in Program, I’ve learned to gauge my state of mind before I enter a grocery store or attend a party. I ask myself if I am tired, hungry, feeling resentment, feeling excess joy—feeling anything that makes my radar go up. If I am, I’ve learned that it is probably better for me to postpone my shopping or ask my husband to do it instead. One of the things I’ve come to recognize in Program is how easily I am over stimulated. The buying frenzy and... Continue Reading
