A Story of Recovery:

Running on Empty


The day of high school homecoming last year was also the day of the choir car wash, the cross-country race, and the dance. I woke up early, ate a very small breakfast, and put on my uniform. The entire time I was at the car wash, all I could think about was my appearance: How do my legs look? Am I flexing enough? I hope I don’t look bloated. I even insisted on wearing my spandex to show off my muscles instead of wearing my sweatpants in the 50-degree weather. In addition to being a food addict and an over scheduling addict, I was also a compulsive runner.

I left the car wash early to warm up for the race. On the way, I ate three flour/sugar products when I was only supposed to eat one. I reasoned that I could not eat lunch or I would throw up when I ran. I ran surprisingly well, and even placed! I was thrilled with my personal record, but was also ravenously hungry. I stayed for the award ceremony, rushed home to change, took the fastest shower of my life, and threw on my dress. I had a very small dinner, because I did not want to look bloated in my dress, and headed out.

Since my first school dance in sixth grade, I have always felt judged, alienated, and awkward, but I’m on student council and had to go to the dance this year. I didn’t dance, focused solely on the food, felt self-conscious in my dress, and had a miserable time.

After the dance, we stayed out late at a friend’s house. I was sore from running, too full from binging and running on an empty stomach, and still miserable. I had raised money, won a medal, gone to the dance with my cute date, and hung out with my friends, so I should have been on top of the world. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.

I had seven long months filled with injuries that were made worse by the fact that I kept running even with my injuries. I was under eating, over scheduling, and had emotional breakdowns. My mom took me to an FA meeting, and since then, I have stopped running, gained 14 pounds, and have found peace. I can think rationally, focus on things other than food and my appearance, and make a phone call when I am feeling stressed.

What a difference a year makes. This year’s homecoming dance is next week, and there’s no crazy over scheduling, cross-country race, over eating, or obsession with body image. I will go to my committed meeting in the morning, then help with the dance decorations for an hour. The rest of the day is mine to relax. I plan on dancing in my new dress, feeling peaceful and comfortable in my own skin. I will give myself time to get ready, come home at a reasonable hour, and eat (all of) my three weighed-and-measured meals. Thank you God for showing me FA and helping me truly enjoy my high school experience without the struggles of food addiction.

 

This story was originally published in the Connection Magazine. Subscribe to the Connection Magazine for more stories of recovery. Or submit your own story of recovery.